I want to talk a minute about accountability, apologies, and amends. I'm very passionate in my activism and being a Loudmouth Liberal who has opinions on damn near everything, sometimes I piss people off (I know; shocking 😉)
My approach to accountability, apologies, and amends is this:
Validate that the other person has every right to feel as they do about it. I may not agree that I have done anything wrong, but impact matters more than intent and I will take responsibility for the impact
“I'm sorry for the affect this has on you and my part in it"
Give a clear and sincere apology for what I am responsible for doing
“I made a mistake and I understand that I have hurt you. This isn't about how I feel about your hurt, but how I can validate you and take responsibility for the part I had in it"
Just because somebody is angry with me, does not mean that their anger is a reasonable or justified response. Hold myself accountable for where I have erred, but I am not responsible for more than that
Indicate that I am giving their voice all of the consideration it deserves, and I will incorporate their perspective into my growth
“Thank you for giving me this perspective to consider, and I will learn from this encounter”
If applicable, make amends
“How can I help?”
My integrity is the core of everything I do, and I fully expect and encourage people to point out when I have done or said something offensive or hurtful. That does not mean, however, that I will allow people to speak to me any old way. Accountability does not mean accepting abuse.
Sometimes, I will agree that yes, I'm maybe could have phrased something better, or what I said was problematic at its core. I listen, learn, and show that I will do better because an apology without changed behavior is manipulation.
Sometimes I won't think that I did anything wrong, but I will hold myself accountable for having inadvertently done harm. As in “I fully understand how this affected you this way, and I apologize for how this affected you”
But if they cannot accept a genuine apology, that is their problem- not mine. I've had a couple times where people got pretty ticked off at me about things that I've said. Sometimes it's because they simply disagree with me or because I was inadvertently offensive or upsetting to someone.
But some people don't want an apology. they just want to keep punishing you until they feel better about the situation and that's not how it works
This clip of Trevor Noah speaking on the Lizzo Grrrls “scandal"put a lot of it into perspective for me as I found myself in a position of getting a lot of backlash from strangers. Of course nowhere near on the scale that she has, but having this information early is helping me to be better prepared to grow my page and quite honestly, about boundaries and my own self worth
And one thing I've learned is that there are some people who don't care about anything but bashing me over the head with their opinion of me.
Unfortunately for them, I don't engage with anyone who doesn't come in good faith. As I say frequently “no one owes you an argument just because you came here to have one”. My only obligation is to hold myself accountable, learn from it, and a reasonable effort at making amends. Not constantly chase the "amends" goal post they're going to move because they aren't interested in closure, only punishment. Accountability does not mean accepting abuse.
And it took me a long time to learn to stop chasing a goal post I was never going to reach. Growing up, in my last marriage, and in my last relationship, it was “You are wrong because I say you are wrong. Now you owe me. This has nothing to do with the situation at hand and everything to do with me using this as control over you. So I will never let this go as long as you allow me to weaponize your “guilt" and desire to please" and well, accountability does not mean accepting abuse.
So what do I do when I fuck up? The best I can. If that's not good enough for them, there's nothing I can or am obligated to do.