Breaking Generational Curses

We break the ones we can. This is a story of generational curses and what it can look like as each generation struggles with them

TW for video and article: child abuse, mentions of SH,SI, homophobia

This video started out really funny. And I was laughing along with it. And then I stopped laughing. Because it got entirely too real. Because this person is not exaggerating.

I want to let you all know that I have a wonderful relationship with my mother now. We have talked over my childhood extensively, she has explained and given context for things to help me understand things better, and she has taken accountability and made amends for the things that she was responsible for. Even with what I'm describing, you all should understand that this is after my mother broke SO many generational curses. The conditions under which she was raised were so much more horrific. My mother is a fucking WARRIOR

My mother is a perfect example of how it can be simultaneously true that your parent loved you and gave you the absolute best they had, but still hurt you. She is a perfect example of how we need to extend grace to so many parents because on one hand she looks like a horrific parent, but if you look at how much she overcame and how many generational curses she broke, it's inspiring and gives us strength. Because I broke a hell of a lot of generational curses, and I still ended up estranged from my children. And repaired our relationships better than ever.

This isn't a story of my childhood trauma, this is a story of generational curses and what it can look like as each generation struggles with them.

I didn't live with my mother very much growing up, but I was in constant contact with her. She frequently called, sent letters, etc. My mother was not in a position to raise a child, and so she selflessly allowed me to live with first my grandparents and then my father as they were in a better position to raise a child ( she retained legal custody of me throughout my life apparently) But I saw her a lot growing up. Even when we were living in different countries, I would fly and spend the entire summer with her, and these are exactly the kind of verbal minefields that I had to navigate all the time.

The simplest things really were turned into the most dramatic and traumatizing. In one example, I was given a gift of play makeup when I was 11 years old. This is literally the plastic set that you buy in the toy section. This turned into so many days of phone calls and screaming to the point where my mother threatened to delete herself if I EVER wore makeup. This was a constant threat over my life. Anything I did, my mother would delete herself

And it was my fault.

If I called another woman "mom", she would delete herself*. If I was ever disrespectful, she would delete herself. If I had any kind of autonomy, she would delete herself. If I ever wanted any kind of individual identity, she would delete herself. I spent my entire childhood trying to keep my mother alive.

* this caused a whole other set of problems because I had a stepmom who was raising me everyday and if anyone ever referred to her as my mom, I would correct them and let them know that she wasn't my mom. My stepmother saw this as a rejection of her. When in reality I was so afraid that someone in another country from where my mother was referring to this woman as my mother would make my own mother remove herself from this planet

At the time, my mother was processing her own childhood. She was trying to grow up. She was trying to navigate a very scary world with very limited resources. The only thing my mother ever knew was control and judgment and harsh punishments over perceived slights. And believe me, the punishment she was subjected to were far worse than anything I ever experienced, for far less serious "transgressions" ( just to give context, I was once beaten as a small child because I wouldn't allow her to put alcohol on a cut).

The important thing is that all of this can be overcome. My mother had absolutely no emotional regulation skills, no parenting skills, nothing. With the background she came from, believe me you would understand why she raised me the way she did. And yet she always gave me the best she had. She always made the best decision she could given the resources, information, and privileges she had. And believe me, she had very few privilege. Very little formal education, only a basic understanding of english, and trying to navigate an entirely new country with just her and her sister.

My childhood and adulthood were difficult with her. Because it was a very confusing cycle of being loved and spoiled to just as much of an extreme the other way, combined with these kind of verbal minefields. And yet I never once questioned whether or not she loved me. Did I always think it was a healthy love? No. Was it always a healthy love? No, it wasn't. Because my mother wasn't healed enough to give it to me

She did try to heal her entire life, though. Her entire life - even during the darkest moments- she was always trying to better herself. She was always working on a better life for herself so that she could be a better mother to me. She is the reason I am so passionate of a mother. She is the reason why I always put my children first, even if that means doing what I need to do to work on myself so that I can be the mother they need me to be.

She taught me that, also. I am a better mother and a better person because of her.

I'm not sharing this video to talk about childhood trauma or abuse. I'm sharing this video to talk about growth. to talk about generational curses. And to talk about my mother who is one of the strongest and most incredible people I have ever met in my life

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