Fighting In A Healthy Way
An example of how my fiance and I handled a recent fight and how we communicated respectfully. It's "us vs the problem"; not "me vs you". This was a big step forward for both of us 🙂
I talk a lot about communication and treating each other with dignity and respect and about how I have finally found a healthy relationship. I want to take you through something that happened just this past week and how I finally know that I am in a healthy relationship. I know that up until this relationship, I had never seen this modeled and I had never seen anyone treat each other the way that we have managed to. Previously, I've talked about Accountability, Apologies, and Amends, but this talks about the part before the apologies.
I shared this originally in my private Facebook group, Libby's Loudmouths, but felt compelled to put it here, too, for anyone who wants to see a productive way we managed this latest argument. It was a huge step forward for both of us ❤
MrLibby and I got in a fight, I guess, you'd say. One of those dumb things where there were a lot of outside stressors and neither of us were being our best selves and neither of us responded to the situation with our best selves. A misunderstanding on top of uncharacteristically rude language. We have a policy when we are angry to face the fight or whatever as something we both need to resolve and work through, so as soon as the nasty words were done, I stayed silent and so did he. Facts being what they are, I was so very mad with him and seriously upset because he really hurt me. Now this isn't to bash Mr Libby. Because it could have just as easily been the other way around. I can be a jerk sometimes too even when I don't mean to be. And also, he had no way of knowing at the time that there was something much deeper and much more traumatic going on for me. He had no way of knowing that in that moment, I was in a very raw place emotionally. So I was more hurt than I would have ordinarily been.
What the fight was about and who did what isn't as important as what we both learned, because this is the first time that we handled an argument like this, which is why I'm writing about it after this fight. Previously, we might have stayed petty and angry and sniping at each other, it might have escalated, who knows? We've had some pretty interesting fights. But he and I have spent the last 4 years working very hard on trying to respond in a way that is healthy for us. Neither of us had ever seen healthy conflict resolution modeled, and neither of us had partners in the past who were committed to what was right for us versus being right.
One thing that happens when I'm very upset and over stimulated is I withdraw. I actually find it almost impossible to speak to other people. And that is what happened. Now there are certain overrides like if my daughter needs me, or something like that but if I'm in a place where I feel safe, I stay in my little "room" in my head. And I was so upset with him that I literally could not look at him. So I didn't talk. And that night, I sobbed my heart out. I don't want to get into the other side of it because it's not something I'm ready to face, but the argument happened when I had a reminder of something really bad that happened and something that I hadn't really processed yet. That night, I processed it. By basically sobbing myself to sleep. (And knowing me, I will write about what upset me in the future. But I haven't even been able to tell Mr Libby yet)
Generally, Mr Libby would offer me comfort but as I was too angry with him, I wouldn't let him. And to his credit, he gave me the space I needed to process and to be angry. We talk about often that even if the other person is sorry or feels bad or we've talked out the issue, the emotions are still there and sometimes we just need to ride them out. We protect that process for both of us because far too many times I haven't been allowed to just feel my emotions and let them run their course. Neither had he.
So that's what we do. For better or worse, whatever we're feeling, we go with it. And the other part of it is that I don't fake anything in this relationship. If I'm happy, if I compliment, etc? You know it's what I really mean. The other side of that though, is that if I'm angry, I'm not going to act like I'm not.
He had been planning on coming to work with me as he does sometimes, and the only thing I could say to him that morning is that it was probably better he stayed home. Later on, I was finally able to unfreeze enough to text and let him know that I'm not giving him the silent treatment, I just can't talk right now. That I'm still trying to process this other much bigger thing and quite frankly, it took precedence. That as soon as I could, I would talk with him. But there was no way to hide the tension between us and I needed space, so I took the day. Thankfully I love my job and the baby I work with is a charmer. It took him smiling at me to get me talking again, and by the end of the day I was back on a fairly even keel.
But I was still so angry. I called a friend who let me vent and just get it all out which helped. And when I got home I told Mr Libby that you know we can hang out and talk or whatever that I'm only mad at him when I remember what happened. And so we slowly worked our way back towards each other. Watching tv, Etc, and then we talked it out. I explained to him what I was feeling and what I was going through, he explained what he was feeling and what he was going through, and we are better now than we were. As a matter of fact even in the deepest parts of the fight, I'd said to him that this isn't something that was going to hurt our relationship. This is something that we are going to go through and come out stronger. I knew this was just going to be a temporary fight and something we just had to work through
But the most important thing is that through all of this we both put our relationship first, and responded to each other and respectful and loving ways. No matter how angry I am, it's not like I stopped loving him.
We communicated clearly, we didn't keep weaponizing our anger against each other, we didn't give each other the silent treatment, and we gave each other the space needed to go through the emotions. Even after we talked it out I was still mad for a little bit, but I was just riding out my feelings- not holding them against him or making him responsible for them It's so easy to take stuff like this personally. It's so easy for a fight like that to have been one of the many that add up that end a relationship. Or, we can find a way to strengthen our relationship.
So maybe sometimes that would work for you. If you're in a fight with someone, and you know you did something wrong and they're angry, we may have to swallow our pride and swallow our feelings and just let them ride it out. Like I've had to do for Mr Libby plenty of times when I'm angered and upset him. We feel this instinctive need to defend ourselves, to deflect, etc. But that's not what's healthy for the relationship. So we find the balance in between. Of validating each other's experience, but never weaponizing any of it against each other
And it's okay to protect your feelings and your process. It's okay to say "I just need to be mad right now" and "I just need to feel this. I'm committed to working this out, but not until I'm in the place to do so". Because if we'd have tried to talk it out sooner, my anger would have been talking, not the part of me that is healthy for us. We need to be able to feel what we're feeling and process it. We need a partner or a friend or whoever to hold space as we do. Because that's what we do for them. That's what we do for those we love and who love us Now maybe the next fight we get in we will be a little petty, we may back slide a little bit. Progress isn't perfect, it's not linear, and it's messy as hell. But at least this time, we got through it. And at least this time, we responded with the versions of ourselves that we want to be, and not just feelings, emotions, and reactions
I have no idea how to close this, so I'm just going to leave you with this graphic and say that I hope some of this helps someone somewhere 🙂