FUPA Isn't A Dirty Word
The next step in my body acceptance to celebration journey
tell me why if i'm all about accepting our bodies, that how we exist is valid, and that we don't owe anyone attractiveness, am I struggling so hard with this one damn outfit?
i've dealt with fatphobia and my body being openly discussed and evaluated my entire life. i was subjected to extremely unhealthy views about what my body should look like and being punished for my body existing as it does. put on "diets" at age two. and I was never once what anyone would objectively consider fat. it's just that my stomach is not concave and I have a very round face and unusually larger bust than Koreans have. so my body was picked apart. my food was policed so heavily that my daughter offering me a candy the other day triggered a ton of memories. for a few moments, I was 9 years old again being bullied and demeaned by my parent and that particular candy was used as a prop/weapon against me.
I struggled for DECADES. extremely disordered eating (which I still struggle with) and major body dysmmorphia. and then I gained an extreme amount of weight in just a few months. I wasn't just fluffy. I was 5'3" and 232 pounds at my heaviest. and it wasn't until years later that I learned that my weight gain was a direct result of medication I was on. it helped *somewhat* but I still haven't completely gotten over the shame 20 years later
because of the weight gain, I began to develop diabetes and chose weight loss surgery because I didn't want diabetes at age 28 and there was no amount of dieting or exercise that would make me lose weight. no lifestyle changes will reverse my body chemistry being fundamentally and permanently changed.
but rapid weight loss creates its own problems. I have an apron of skin where my still fat stomach is. I have SO much loose skin on my arms I look like I could take flight
and I have a big ol honking FUPA (full/fat upper pubic area). I don't get camel toe... my choch straight up HOOVERS fabric. and because of the apron of skin, I can't wear underwear. major chafing and heat rashes.
and while there might be this huge movement for body positivity and highlighting plus size bodies, I NEVER SEE A BODY LIKE MINE CELEBRATED. 20 pictures of 20 differently shaped "big beautiful women" and no FUPAs. no labias allowed. you can be plus size.... everywhere else
but that's what my body looks like. that's how my skin is after pregnancy, rapid weight gain, and weight loss surgery. Intellectually I know it doesn't matter. my body is valid and worthy of celebration
but how can I believe that when i'm still excluded from the celebration? if all the ads and articles and Facebook posts show all kinds of plus size bodies. but never mine? how can I believe it when society says "yes, big women are beautiful.... except you"
my stomach/ abdominal area have always been my biggest insecurity. I never let my ex husband touch it (in all fairness, I dealt with a lot of fatphobia from him, too, for the first decade we were together.) ironically, it was my also abusive ex boyfriend that got me to begin letting go of some of my stomach issues. but my insecurity is DOUBLE when it comes to my puss puss. my fiance has helped so much. he genuinely finds me hot as fuck like this. every inch of me. but it's not the same until I can truly internalize it.
but I bought this outfit and I fucking love it. it's adorable, it's comfortable, it'll keep me cool living on the Actual Surface Of The Sun/Arizona and the colors look great on me
and I can't help but feel like the outfit is just a huge neon sign to my biggest insecurity. so cue the cognitive dissonance. it's harder than you'd think even writing about this and saying the quiet part out loud. because no one talks about it.
so yeah, I preach body acceptance and positivity. I even have an article about how i've unpacked and unlearned a LOT of the harmful messages i internalized (Don't Tell Me I'm Not Fat). I teach and model healthy food viewpoints in my career because the way I grow is by putting into action the person I want to be and it's good practice modeling this attitude to children. because if I can stop the cycle at work, I can stop it in myself
but i'm here to let you know it's not a one time decision you make. that it's a journey. and sometimes there will be setbacks. the entire time i've been writing this out, i've struggled with whether or not to post a picture of the outfit in question. because putting one of my deepest insecurities out there is terrifying. I still don't know if I'll add the picture. I guess we'll see how I feel 🙃
many of us who share our experiences or hope to inspire others shy away from the real stuff. from the hard parts. it's "you can do this!" but we don't talk about the hard parts. the terror we feel. many of us think "well, I don't want to be negative or discourage anyone". but i'm also learning that NOT saying the quiet parts out loud is just as harmful as the "anything but a fupa" body positivity messages. if I don't see myself, I think there's something wrong with me
so i guess I am going to post the picture. and i'm going to post this on my Facebook page and my substack. i'm currently typing this out as a post for my private group Libby's Loudmouths, but that's not going to get the message out to everyone who needs it.
so here we have it. if you see yourself in anything i've written: you're not alone. there's nothing wrong with you.
and i'm here to say YES ALL BODIES ARE VALID. and i'm fucking terrified to show this picture ... because we can be both ❤
edited to add a link to some stunning artwork that made me cry because it's one of the only times i've seen a body like mine represented, let alone celebrated. check out Kay Shaw Artist on Facebook!