I don't do men's anger. At all
I have zero tolerance for anyone who tries to use their size, position, or privilege to dominate me.
TW abuse, fear, mention of sexual assault, men's anger, child abuse
I'm still terrified of men getting angry or raising their voices. example: my ex boyfriend (at the time) was really sweet and gentle. communicated effectively, and was generally respectful and non threatening (this changed months later, but giving context)
we were unpacking and he got really frustrated at something and yelled in anger. I found myself hiding behind the door in the back room behind boxes. he wasn't mad at me. he didn't even see me enter the room. and I went into straight flight mode
I have PTSD in part because of men's anger. I'm 42 years old and I'm still physically terrified of my dad's anger. A few years ago he got annoyed and confrontational with a friend of mine. I shook for the next 20 minutes after leaving. I was suddenly 8 years old and he was swinging his favorite implement he hit me with. Bone deep terror (also part of the reason we're estranged but i'm not ready to unpack the rest of it yet. literally just now seeing the correlation as i'm typing this out.)
I didn't report my MST (military sexual assault) because the person I was required to report to had previously physically intimidated me. I can't give details but he was a very large athletic person and I truly felt in danger for my physical safety. and THAT MAN is who I was supposed to trust with my report? I didn't even allow myself to be alone in a room with him after that.
on the flip side of this, i love my partner, but we had to work through his anger issues when we first got together. he scared me more than once. the difference is, when I told him something scared me, he immediately took steps to change the behavior.
He didn't deny I had a right to be scared. he acknowledged that he was scary. And the most important thing is that I feel safe with him. And yet it took having over a year of no scary incidents before I was willing to even consider if we should be long term/rest of our lives. As a matter of fact, it was the fact that he consistently validated my fear, immediately tried to make me feel safe, and actively works to not do what scares me. He put a lot of work into himself to unlearn toxic displays of anger to be a better man and to be a man I felt safe around.
So I feel safe with him. so does my daughter. and they had their own incidents to work through. and she trusts him now because he regained her trust.
but overall, for over 40 years, my personal experience has been "angry man equals one or more of these nearly every time"
- physical pain
- deliberate intimidation
- verbal abuse
- verbal, non verbal, and implicit threats
- I pay some kind of price. no matter why they're angry. even if I didn't do anything. Even if I had nothing to do with why they are angry. even if they are angry at somebody else. even if I didn't do what they are accusing me of or angry about.
no.matter.why.
and yet women are blamed
and yet "not all men"
and yet "but I'm a nice guy"
problem is finding out whether you're a nice guy or not could cost my life. it's already cost me my sense of safety, my mental health, and my physical health.
and yet still, the burden of blame and the burden of responsibility for changing it is still predominantly put on women
it's 2023. Nasty Women © don't sit down and we don't shut up. we use our voices to end this shit
Original Facebook Post 26 March 2021, but I added more in this substack article
Link to post that inspired this with many examples of why men's anger is problematic and how it affects people. TW abuse, fear, mention of sexual assault, men's anger, but very worth the read