I often remind people that when we talk about gift giving or giving help or something, "it is the thought that counts" works both ways. a few examples from my life or what I see often will be included. not to complain but because real life examples help some people
Whether somebody does something for you and then turns around and says after "all I've done for you, this is why you should (insert something you've said you don't want to do and they use it as a manipulation)" then the original action wasn't intended as a gift or help. It was intended as a way to manipulate you in the future
** to clarify: this is far different from feeling betrayed when you have been helpful to someone in the past without strings but then they betray you or dismiss/insult what you've done for them. You aren't using that phrase as a manipulation, you are acknowledging that in spite of your selfless kindness, they were cruel or dismissive or betrayed you. They do not value you and insult or dismiss your genuine kindness. that feeling of betrayal is valid. For example, I dropped absolutely everything to help a friend out in a crisis, and they completely ignored me after their crisis was over. In that case, I was being used. I would have still helped the person because there was a child involved, but I have every right to feel like OK, now that my usefulness to you has ended, you no longer value our friendship. screw you for using me ( Over simplification of a very complex issue)**
or if somebody gives you a gift of something physical that they know you don't like such as something you are allergic to, or something gives specifically said you don't like, the fact is, they didn't put any thought into it.
If a gift is very clearly not about you at all,but all about them. Any gift that very clearly reflects a personal agenda of theirs such as a style of clothing that they have repeatedly said you should wear despite previous discussions. Tickets to an activity that you are clear you are not interested in. etc
Human error is one thing. Knowing me for over a decade and knowing I am severely allergic to a specific thing and guilting me with "well I hand made it for you" is an insult. you put no thought into this item that you are well aware just handing it to me will cause me physical pain. (for a real life example)
If someone offers to give you money for say your wedding, but then want to dictate everything you do with that money, it's no longer a gift, it's a manipulation (I see that example the time on AITA, etc)
If any object or action can be used against you or is used against you, it is no longer a gift
Not to mention, you aren't obligated to accept somebody's gift just because they want you to. As soon as they push you, then it is no longer a gift
Again, it is a manipulation, and you can cut the strings ✂️🧶
Original Facebook Post 4 February 2023
❗️Edit omg I can't believe I did this one twice on two separate articles 🤦🏻♀️ sorry! ❗️
edited 4 June 23
a reminder that the thought does still count. if someone is genuinely trying to make you happy, but the gift isn't what you want, we still thank them. Because it's the effort and thought that is the true gift, not the results ❤