Jealousy. That Green- Eyed Monster... or is it?

Jealousy is healthy and can be worked through

Original Facebook Post 4 Jan 23

Jealousy and insecurity are absolutely normal and valid emotions. They are *healthy* emotions ❤

Unfortunately, they are unconstructive when it comes to a relationship. The great news is that you can process through jealousy and insecurity and still have a thriving relationship. for example, it's a staple of learning how to practice polyamory in a sustainable way and millions of monogamous and polyamorous people across the globe find ways to learn how to process their insecurity and jealousy, rather than allow it to become a wedge in a relationship.

One way I do this by deliberately choosing to refer to my partner as just that. partner. wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend all have too many connotations of ownership. especially as at one time, a "wife" was literally owned (and still is for all intents and in some parts of the world). Too many connotations of power imbalance. Who I go through life with is my equal and my partner. it's a way of building a foundation of "choosing togetherness" and reminding ourselves of that in its very label

So, at the end of the day, do you trust your partner to uphold the boundaries of your relationship whether you are present and aware of what is going on or not?

Do you have faith that no matter what the scenario, no matter what the temptation, they will uphold the boundaries of your relationship?

Do you acknowledge and accept that if you are capable of truly being friends and upholding the boundaries of your relationship with other people no matter what their past is to you, it is an insult to your partner and your relationship to assume that they will not?

If you do, then you need to keep reminding yourself of that and reminding yourself that although jealousy and insecurity are valid, they are emotions to be worked through. Not problems to solve or obligations for anyone else to change their lives

In ANY relationship, we don't get to tell other people who they can hang out with, who they can be friends with, et cetera. We can state our boundaries and trust our partner to respect those boundaries or not

The only people who are responsible for infidelity are the people who are in the relationship. It doesn't matter how much temptation a person has. They will either remain faithful or not. If someone else is disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship, it is incumbent upon your partner to shut them down. If they don't, you have a much bigger problem.

If you are not sure that they will uphold the boundaries of your relationship no matter what, then you have a much bigger problem, and that is what needs to be addressed.

If you do know deep down that they will uphold the boundaries of your relationship no matter what the scenario, then communicate your jealousy and insecurity and work together to process those emotions

"When you hang out with Sally, I feel uncomfortable, insecure, and jealous. How can we work through this together?"

"I'm sorry that my friendship with Sally triggers insecurity and jealousy. I want you to be comfortable. How can I reassure and support you?"

I deserve a companion, and I won't insult myself by treating my partner like my hostage. I don't know about you, but I don't want a partner who is with me because I've leashed them. I want a partner who has every single option in the world and still chooses to prioritize me and our relationship.

Otherwise, we have a much bigger problem than whoever they are friends with, and I don't compete 💁🏻‍♀️💃🏻💋🗑