Weaponizing Therapy and The Jonah Hill Clusterf**k

Just some initial thoughts

TW gaslighting, #metoo, abuse

This entire Jonah Hill thing has a lot of my old unresolved issues coming up. It has me pretty spun. On one hand, I can think of a quote like this, but on the other hand, it brings up all the feelings and shame and guilt I had from when who I am was weaponized against me

To be honest with you, I'm going through the same unsettling flashbacks as I did during the Brett Kavanaugh confirmations when my #metoo PTSD just got ramped sky fucking high (and hasn't come back down). all of this pushback trying to gaslight us and normalize this behavior. to act like what he's doing is perfectly okay. It’s just so much. knowing that the most of the fucking world thinks that's okay to treat people like this. That so many people are defending his behavior as "boundaries".

When I know that he is wrong. When I know that this isn't about boundaries and that he is weaponizing therapy language to gaslight and manipulate. Which is just an entire new level of fucked up and cruel.

Which is something that I experienced myself with an intimate partner. more than one. One of them weaponized our relationship counseling- while we were in it.

I have fought so hard and so long to say that there is a line that we don't cross. That there is a certain standard behavior that we should all treat each other. That it's not okay to abuse people. That it's not okay to violate them. That there is a huge fucking difference between boundaries and rules. Between boundaries and control. And then half the fucking world going "no, what he's doing is just setting boundaries. You're crazy. You're too sensitive"

It's very invalidating and quite honestly very much triggering. I wrote a very long piece on my personal profile about parallels in my life and how I've experienced that kind of treatment, and one of the immediate responses was to tell me how what Jonah Hill was doing was perfectly okay. That he was just setting boundaries. And that I basically was overreacting and full of shit. (I can't share what I wrote because it is extremely identifying)

At the same time that I knew this person was completely inappropriate, completely full of shit, and completely wrong for commenting as she did and immediately deleted it- she also had me absolutely shaking. shaking in rage. and shaking from that unhealed part of me that believes that I do deserve it. that it's okay to treat people like that. that I'm stupid and crazy for speaking out against it

And yes, I also got some wonderfully supportive messages. From people who had experiences with or knowledge of the same person that I was speaking of. and they helped bring my emotions back down and made me realize how full of shit this other person was.

It's so hard to be open and vulnerable as a way to feel empowered when I am still dealing with the simultaneous feelings of guilt and shame and culpability as when I was being punished for existing as I am. When I was being punished for existing as they said they wanted me to be.

And part of it is because I still have to deal with one of those people. I will never be able to separate my life from his.

On one hand I know who I am is valid. I know that who I am is someone worthy of being celebrated. And at the same time, that small unhealed part of me is saying, "but remember? Who you are as bad. Who you are is wrong. Who you are deserves to be punished" And I suspect that I'm not the only one going through this roller coaster.

A lot of you come to my page because you need community. Because you experienced the same thing Eventually I'll probably have another article that speaks out against this entire situation. That speaks out against all of this collective gaslighting. But until then, I'm going to keep processing. I'm going to keep trying to heal.

And I'm going to keep trying to let you know you aren't alone