The Frustration and Shame Not Knowing I'm ADHD
if only there was representation
Original Facebook Post 18 June 2022
this is so very important. buckle up because I have the feeling i'm about to drop an essay
came across an article taking about how what living with ADHD is like isn't at all how they diagnose us
https://mediachomp.com/adhd-symptoms-as-described-isnt-as-experienced/
I FEEL SO FUCKING SEEN.
just SEEN
You know, if it had been explained to me this way, I would have figured it out a lot sooner. If maybe the way they described ADHD is what we *actually experienced*, I would have had a clue sooner. I spent 41 years thinking I'm lazy. that there's something wrong with me. that I'm just a piece of shit who fucks up everything they touch. Everyone who comes to a diagnosis later in life says the same thing. I just felt like my brain was wrong and I couldn't get it to click it to place
𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐀𝐃𝐇𝐃 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 that I clued in
and this was after years of working with DOZENS of children with ADHD in my 20+ year career. because I was only taught what it looks like in kids. I can spot it in a child at 10 paces. ( But that will get me started on an entire other soapbox on how if our brain is ND as a child, it's still ND as an adult and could we please realize that? Can we please stop treating neurodivergent adults like we are children? Can we understand that our brain is the fucking same our entire lives? OK, I'm gonna stop....)
turns out what I am is somebody whose brain falls into different patterns than the vast majority of people and the way my brain works is pretty much in contradiction to the way our society and our lives are set up for us.
If I was born without an arm, my parents would have automatically recognized that I might have some difficulty. and so they would have taught me from birth how to navigate the world with only one arm
Instead, it's like waking up at 40+ years old only to discover that it turns out you didn't have this arm that you thought you had all along. So of course things were harder. Because the world is built for people with 2 arms, and no one even noticed or gave a damn to find out if you had that other arm or maybe it was missing. they figured it's your fault
( And to be clear I am not blaming my parents because my parents had even less information about this than I do. I'm blaming the medical community.)
I'm not lazy, I just need to learn how to live with it.
I'm not relieved because coming to the understanding that I'm ND is a get out of jail free card.
i'm relieved because it's an explanation as to why my brain does what it does. Just like diabetes would explain why someone has low insulin.
And I still somewhat have impostor syndrome because I am self diagnosed. It's harder than you would think for me to even make this post and to state this as plainly and honestly as I am. To share my thoughts as they are. because i've shared them and been dismissed. but i'm determined to speak my truth. even when it scares me
For a variety of very valid reasons, an official diagnosis is not a possibility for me at this time. But then again? How the fuck can I get anybody to believe me when we still only talk about it in terms of children/men/how it affect others instead of what my life is actually like?
Maybe someday I'll get an official diagnosis. Right now, I don't feel like dealing with the bullshit of biases and stigma. I already do when it comes to many of my other medical conditions. I have so much on my plate, that this is just something else I'm integrating.
So I am Libby. I am 41 years old. And I just discovered I have ADHD.
And I'm pissed it took me this long to find out
And i'm not the only one. James Fell posted about finding out at 53 (https://jamesfell.substack.com/p/diagnosed-with-adhd-at-the-age-of)
and i'm sharing his story too because his perspective is important and might help someone.
think you might be ADHD? take this test below! (I'm joking and yet my results are below because we can have fun with this, too 🤣)
source
edited 10 March 2023 to add link to a series of pictures that illustrate how ADHD can present in women
edited 1 June 2023 to add a link to a resource on Teachers Pay Teachers that can help explain ADHD to a child. I wish I had this as a kid.
ALL our lived experiences with this are essential to awareness and change. because